Serving the State: the perils of jury duty

I often joke about how I am not ready to be a grown up and I'd much rather hide under my bed all day. I am without a doubt 5 years-old at heart, and I'd like nothing more the spend the first few days of summer vacation in my pajamas eating ice pops and watching Disney movies. Unfortunately, in the eyes of the state at least, I am  most definitely a grown up and therefore I am required to serve the state in the most irritating and mind numbingly boring ways possible.

I am now eligible to sit as a juror.

In an incredible stroke of irony, I was called to serve on a jury today, just days after I finished my last exam.The little form came in the mail, and, under penalty of being held in contempt of court, I went to the county courthouse this morning and settled in for a long, boring day. Summer break would just have to be put on hold. Armed with snacks and a few novels, I watched the criminal justice system unfold in front of me, and boy is it ugly.

To add insult to injury it's a beautiful, cool spring day out after nearly a week of unseasonably low temperatures and constant drizzle.  But there I was, doing my civic duty by sitting in this converted block of jail cells turned conference room with a very varied slice of humanity slouching in office chairs. Even worse was the educational film "We the Jury: the basics of court proceedings" that we were forced to watch.

Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure I covered how a jury works at some point during my 5 years of study in criminal justice and criminology.

Of course I know that a jury is an important part of the court process and that the system could not function without citizens serving on juries in both criminal and civil cases. I am, however, not sure I'm the best person for the job. After so much exposure to the criminal justice system through classes, studies and internships I am in now way impartial and unbiased. I've written papers on the ineffectiveness of courts. I've interned with the state police. I've blatantly said that, 9 times out of 10, I'll probably take the side of the state in any criminal proceeding (and I really feel, at least sometimes, that defendants are probably guilty of something if they are there in the first place). I'm getting my doctorate in criminal justice for crying out loud!

I know too much about the field. I am a prosecutor's dream and a defense attorney's worst nightmare.  I'd make a terrible juror.

Lucky for me (and those involved in any of the three cases I could have been selected for), the judges presiding today were not ready to pool a jury, so I was freed from the possibility of sitting through voir dire (jury selection procession) and will not have to serve on an actual jury and sit through a trial. I was released with the thanks of the state, and I practically sprinted out of there.

After all, doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that your time is worth $5 and a free cup of coffee?

All you need is love…

Nothing has changed. No new news about the graduate programs, no idea what I am going to do. I don't know what school I'll go to, where I'll live or what my next step is. I feel numbed. I am totally crushed. This is nothing like I imagined. I never thought I'd be so conflicted and confused; I was hoping it'll all just magically work out wonderfully and that would be the end of it.

If there's anything I hate, it's not having a plan.

So, because I can't deal with all of this right now, I have been spending my time doing… well, nothing really. I haven't been doing anything. I had a few days off from my internship (thank God for state holidays) and I have spent the time napping, watching TV and snacking. I probably now official classify as a vegetable, mostly likely a potato of the couch variety. But I only feel marginally guilty. I am sure I should be doing something productive, but I like naps so much better. And I have a wicked cold, so I really do need some rest.

But I did manage to rouse myself out of bed for Valentine's Day. Ok, so Super Boy prodded me along. He's much more romantic than I am; if I had my way, anyone who celebrated Valentine's Day would be boiled in their own champagne and buried with a long stem rose through their heart. But not Super Boy. He takes things seriously. A dozen and a half roses. Dinner at PF Chang's. A very sweet card. And, my personal favorite, an owl shaped bath mitt covered in hearts.

Bizarre? Yes. Perfect? You bet.

You see, I may not be a big fan of the whole Valentine's Day thing, but I needed it. In the middle of this grad school debacle I needed to be reminded that there are more important things in my life. And for someone who gets very wrapped up and consumed by things that can't be control, the reminder is a good thing.

What more do I really need? I've got Super Boy.

The Good, the Bad, and the Confusing

I hardly know where to begin. Just when I had resigned myself to playing the waiting game as grad schools considered my applications, everything has sped up to a frenetic pace. Suddenly so many things have changed that I hardly know whether to be ecstatic or devastated.

The first big chunk of news came last Monday. I was napping after a really, really long day at my internship when I got this phone call. Now, I usually just turn off my phone and let anyone who wants to talk to me leave a message, but I was with Super Boy at the time, and he has this weird theory about cell phones. When they ring, he answers. Or, in this case, pokes me in the ribs and makes me answer.

And then suddenly there is this graduate coordinator, a real big shot in the criminology community, asking me how I am, if I'm not too busy to talk for a bit, would I have a few minutes to spare. I think I mumbled something. He might be a criminal justice institution, but he woke me up. He'll just have to deal with me half conscious. And as I begin to full understand what is happened, I realize he is saying things like "very excited," "hugely impressed," "teaching assistantship," "Presidential Fellowship," and "full tuition." And, because I am an IDIOT, I interrupt him and say, "Wait… wait… I'm sorry. What was that? I don't… what? You mean I'm in? Seriously?"

I am such a tool.

But yes, not only was I in, I was being offered the world. Tuition, fees, a salary, a shot at a prestigious fellowship. Out of everyone who applied to the school, I was it. I was the one they wanted. I was the homegrown girl, the state born, bred and educated rising star (or so they said, I am still convinced they had the wrong number). The only downside here? There's a clock on the offer. I have until March 13^th. And it's creeping up very quickly.

Now, I applied to four schools. Two are very far away, but my mentor made me apply (they are the two best criminology programs in the nation, so I kind of had to try). The one I just heard from is my back up plan, a safety school that is still one of the top 5 (and the longest established program in the country). But my top choice… it's an Ivy. The only Ivy with a PhD program in criminology. And I want to go there so bad I could cry.

So… now the bad. And the confusing. With the clock ticking on a very attractive offer from my second choice of programs, I needed to ask my first choice what they were thinking. So (with lots of guidance from my mentor) I send an email inquiring as to my current status, if I was in, did they want to meet me, could they give me some kind of clue. Because you see, they don't tell students until March 15^th.

These deadlines are all a game. A test to see how bad you want an offer, how much you really want to go somewhere. I don't play games. Especially head games. So now I am caught in the middle of two schools and I have more questions than answers.

But I didn't get good news from the Ivy. In fact, I don't even know if I got bad news. All I got was a short, nebulous email that really said nothing at all. They said that there were "only two to three applications" they were looking at to see if they "fit available faculty mentoring." What does that even mean? There are only 3 people getting in? Am I one of them? Or are they talking about some kind of assistantship or fellowship? Are they just letting me down easy? I don't know what any of this means, and neither does anyone else I ask.

After waiting so long I suddenly have too much information. How could so much good news be so bad? And what do I do now?